I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
