I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
