Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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