So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
