he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
