I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
