My friends, they love my intelligence
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
