and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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