ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
