If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Randomize
