I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
