That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
