You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
