Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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