i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize