sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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