I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
