The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
