i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
