Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
