Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize