ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
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