someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
