hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
