she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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