A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
