No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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