plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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