I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
