so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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