I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
