please come you make the beer taste better
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
