So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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