Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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