Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
