I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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