The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
