forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
