Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
...so i touched it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
