My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
