i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
