U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
