a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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