he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
