I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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