Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
that's an acceptable place to lick
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
