i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
