God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
