i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
