did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
