things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
