I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How does one acquire holy water?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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