Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize