he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Less talking, more tequila
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
