Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
