well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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