Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
