so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize