she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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